IMPOTENT POTABLES


My good buddy Steven bought me a bottle of Orbitz for my birthday. No, not the travel company, the discontinued Canadian soft drink. If you know me at all, you know that I like weird drinks. I made my own Cherry Vanilla Coke back when this blog was new, I try all the new Coke products that come out, I miss Hubba Bubba Soda, and most of oall I miss Orbitz. Back in the 90s, Orbitz was a great novelty drink. It was fruit-flavored liquid with complementary-flavored little balls that hovered inside. The genius was that the balls didn't just float to the top or sink to the bottom, they simply hovered in the middle, like the liquid was Jell-o and these balls were trapped inside. But when you shook the bottle, the balls floated around freely until the momentum was gone and they simply stopped where they were. My favorite flavor was orange drink with vanilla balls. Unfortunately, my bottle is 10 years old and the balls sink more than hover now.


I found out recently that in Asia, there are many drinks that feature tapioca balls in them, called Bubble Tea. Further delving into strange Asian drinks, I found "Kodomo Biru, " which translates as "Kids' Beer." It is an amber colored, carbonated beverage that comes in a brown bottle. Their tagline is "Even kids can join the toast!" The beverage tastes nothing like actual beer, but you get all the social benefits of beer in a kid-friendly package. One ad features a boy getting a zero on his test. He is crushed. Until KOMODO BEER appears. He weeps openly with joy! In another, a girl has a secret crush on a boy. When she finally gets the guts to talk to him, a bird poops on her head. She is crushed...until KOMODO BEER, blah blah blah. Their ad campaign claims that "Even children cannot make it through life without a drink." I kid you not. What, you need proof? Click HERE for their animated advertisements, and in equal parts, curse and thank God that you don't live in Japan!

Another drink market that has no grasp on me is the energy drink market. I tried Red Bull once, but I didn't like it and it was really expensive. I prefer simple coffee or the occasional Vitamin Water, though I'm skeptical as to the latter's actual powers. Every schmuck in the world seems to have their own energy drink now. The market is so glutted that they have taken to using bizarre names to stand out from the crowd. My problem with these names is that here is no truth in advertising. For example, there is a drink called COCAINE. There has been a great uproar over this, claiming that it glamorizes actual cocaine use. I think that's silly. My complaint is that cocaine, the drug, is a known substance. To call a drink Cocaine is blatantly lying. Coca Cola used to have cocaine in it, at least. Cocaine drink has none, and never did. It's obviously just a publicity stunt, but I would think there would be a law banning a product labelled as something it is not. What if there was a soda called MILK! Couldn't they make them call it something else, since the soda has no milk whatsoever? Similarly, there's Liquid Ice. Umm...liquid ice is water, dude. It would be a great name for a bottled water, but for an energy drink? I mean, I guess the drink has some water in it, so it's more accurate advertising than Cocaine, but still.

Also, did you notice all those upside-down 7UP bottles recently? The logo was upside down and the new line was "turn yur thirst upside down!" It seemed very silly and pointless, but I noticed it, so I guess it worked. Only now did I find out that the product was actually called "dnL" and it wasn't 7up, it was a 7up spinoff soda named what "7up" looks like upside down. Stoo. Pidd.

Anyway, here's a Wikipedia list of other soft drink flops. Enjoy!