Sunday, October 22, 2006
IMPOTENT POTABLES
My good buddy Steven bought me a bottle of Orbitz for my birthday. No, not the travel company, the discontinued Canadian soft drink. If you know me at all, you know that I like weird drinks. I made my own Cherry Vanilla Coke back when this blog was new, I try all the new Coke products that come out, I miss Hubba Bubba Soda, and most of oall I miss Orbitz. Back in the 90s, Orbitz was a great novelty drink. It was fruit-flavored liquid with complementary-flavored little balls that hovered inside. The genius was that the balls didn't just float to the top or sink to the bottom, they simply hovered in the middle, like the liquid was Jell-o and these balls were trapped inside. But when you shook the bottle, the balls floated around freely until the momentum was gone and they simply stopped where they were. My favorite flavor was orange drink with vanilla balls. Unfortunately, my bottle is 10 years old and the balls sink more than hover now.
I found out recently that in Asia, there are many drinks that feature tapioca balls in them, called Bubble Tea. Further delving into strange Asian drinks, I found "Kodomo Biru, " which translates as "Kids' Beer." It is an amber colored, carbonated beverage that comes in a brown bottle. Their tagline is "Even kids can join the toast!" The beverage tastes nothing like actual beer, but you get all the social benefits of beer in a kid-friendly package. One ad features a boy getting a zero on his test. He is crushed. Until KOMODO BEER appears. He weeps openly with joy! In another, a girl has a secret crush on a boy. When she finally gets the guts to talk to him, a bird poops on her head. She is crushed...until KOMODO BEER, blah blah blah. Their ad campaign claims that "Even children cannot make it through life without a drink." I kid you not. What, you need proof? Click HERE for their animated advertisements, and in equal parts, curse and thank God that you don't live in Japan!
Another drink market that has no grasp on me is the energy drink market. I tried Red Bull once, but I didn't like it and it was really expensive. I prefer simple coffee or the occasional Vitamin Water, though I'm skeptical as to the latter's actual powers. Every schmuck in the world seems to have their own energy drink now. The market is so glutted that they have taken to using bizarre names to stand out from the crowd. My problem with these names is that here is no truth in advertising. For example, there is a drink called COCAINE. There has been a great uproar over this, claiming that it glamorizes actual cocaine use. I think that's silly. My complaint is that cocaine, the drug, is a known substance. To call a drink Cocaine is blatantly lying. Coca Cola used to have cocaine in it, at least. Cocaine drink has none, and never did. It's obviously just a publicity stunt, but I would think there would be a law banning a product labelled as something it is not. What if there was a soda called MILK! Couldn't they make them call it something else, since the soda has no milk whatsoever? Similarly, there's Liquid Ice. Umm...liquid ice is water, dude. It would be a great name for a bottled water, but for an energy drink? I mean, I guess the drink has some water in it, so it's more accurate advertising than Cocaine, but still.
Also, did you notice all those upside-down 7UP bottles recently? The logo was upside down and the new line was "turn yur thirst upside down!" It seemed very silly and pointless, but I noticed it, so I guess it worked. Only now did I find out that the product was actually called "dnL" and it wasn't 7up, it was a 7up spinoff soda named what "7up" looks like upside down. Stoo. Pidd.
Anyway, here's a Wikipedia list of other soft drink flops. Enjoy!
My good buddy Steven bought me a bottle of Orbitz for my birthday. No, not the travel company, the discontinued Canadian soft drink. If you know me at all, you know that I like weird drinks. I made my own Cherry Vanilla Coke back when this blog was new, I try all the new Coke products that come out, I miss Hubba Bubba Soda, and most of oall I miss Orbitz. Back in the 90s, Orbitz was a great novelty drink. It was fruit-flavored liquid with complementary-flavored little balls that hovered inside. The genius was that the balls didn't just float to the top or sink to the bottom, they simply hovered in the middle, like the liquid was Jell-o and these balls were trapped inside. But when you shook the bottle, the balls floated around freely until the momentum was gone and they simply stopped where they were. My favorite flavor was orange drink with vanilla balls. Unfortunately, my bottle is 10 years old and the balls sink more than hover now.
I found out recently that in Asia, there are many drinks that feature tapioca balls in them, called Bubble Tea. Further delving into strange Asian drinks, I found "Kodomo Biru, " which translates as "Kids' Beer." It is an amber colored, carbonated beverage that comes in a brown bottle. Their tagline is "Even kids can join the toast!" The beverage tastes nothing like actual beer, but you get all the social benefits of beer in a kid-friendly package. One ad features a boy getting a zero on his test. He is crushed. Until KOMODO BEER appears. He weeps openly with joy! In another, a girl has a secret crush on a boy. When she finally gets the guts to talk to him, a bird poops on her head. She is crushed...until KOMODO BEER, blah blah blah. Their ad campaign claims that "Even children cannot make it through life without a drink." I kid you not. What, you need proof? Click HERE for their animated advertisements, and in equal parts, curse and thank God that you don't live in Japan!
Another drink market that has no grasp on me is the energy drink market. I tried Red Bull once, but I didn't like it and it was really expensive. I prefer simple coffee or the occasional Vitamin Water, though I'm skeptical as to the latter's actual powers. Every schmuck in the world seems to have their own energy drink now. The market is so glutted that they have taken to using bizarre names to stand out from the crowd. My problem with these names is that here is no truth in advertising. For example, there is a drink called COCAINE. There has been a great uproar over this, claiming that it glamorizes actual cocaine use. I think that's silly. My complaint is that cocaine, the drug, is a known substance. To call a drink Cocaine is blatantly lying. Coca Cola used to have cocaine in it, at least. Cocaine drink has none, and never did. It's obviously just a publicity stunt, but I would think there would be a law banning a product labelled as something it is not. What if there was a soda called MILK! Couldn't they make them call it something else, since the soda has no milk whatsoever? Similarly, there's Liquid Ice. Umm...liquid ice is water, dude. It would be a great name for a bottled water, but for an energy drink? I mean, I guess the drink has some water in it, so it's more accurate advertising than Cocaine, but still.
Also, did you notice all those upside-down 7UP bottles recently? The logo was upside down and the new line was "turn yur thirst upside down!" It seemed very silly and pointless, but I noticed it, so I guess it worked. Only now did I find out that the product was actually called "dnL" and it wasn't 7up, it was a 7up spinoff soda named what "7up" looks like upside down. Stoo. Pidd.
Anyway, here's a Wikipedia list of other soft drink flops. Enjoy!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
R.I.P. CHRISTOPHER GLENN
When I was little, before the days of cable TV and VCRs, kids were forced to watch cartoons every Saturday morning. It was the law, I believe. You had about 4 choices and that was it. Interspersed within these shows were things like Schoolhouse Rock, or those PSAs with the little potato guy who told you how to make ice-pops or eat a healthy snack or try new foods. The other thing I remember was CBS's "In The News." It was a two-minute news show made for kids, but about real world events. It was, in effect, a newsreel for kids. It was narrated by Christopher Glenn. I remember vividly the opening logo and music, along with Christopher Glenn's distinctive bass voice: "I'm Christopher Glenn."
Many years later, I began listening to news stations on the car radio. One day, CBS radio, 880 AM, went to a news story by Christopher Glenn. I was instantly transported back to 1978. His voice was exactly the way I remembered it. I couldn't tell you if Glenn's journalistic prowess was mediocre or fantastic. All I remember was that voice. That voice and that name are forever fused to a certain time in my life and it was very comforting to hear him occasionally on CBS News.
He died this week at age 68 from liver cancer. The picture above is from 1986. I never knew what he looked like until I wrote this blog and Googled a photo of him. I took a look at the image and after a few seconds, I thought, "Yeah, that's about right."
Here's a quick audio file of him, though he doesn't have his "announcer voice" on:
CLICK
EDIT: My brother, Russ, found the following In The News segments for me! Thanks, Russ!
Friday, October 13, 2006
Does this disgust anyone else but me? I mean, I get pissed every time I hear Westbury Music Fair announced as "North Fork at Westbury" or when I hear Jones Beach described as "Jones Beach Nikon Theater." Advertising has taken over. That's not new or profound. But when you watch broadcast TV, you understand that advertising is the only source of income for them. But now movies have slides of print ads as you sit down while you listen to commercials for pop songs. Then you get to watch commercials before the film in addition to product placement within the film itself. And I'm paying THEM?
The TV show SURVIVOR is maggoty with product placement. The entertainment/advertising ratio is slipping. The movie DEMOLITION MAN portrays the future with the top ten songs being advertising jingles. Can you name one current commercial's music that isn't a pop song? What percentage of Youtube clips are "funny commercials?"
Wow, my preface is longer than the actual story. OK, let me summarize: Too many commercials are bad. Thanks.
Advertiser Dictates Start of White Sox Games
Not content to rename their stadium for an advertiser (U.S. Cellular), the Chicago White Sox has agreed to start its weeknight home games at 7:11 p.m. as part of a deal with the 7-Eleven stores. (The team's cross-town rivals, the Cubs, may have started the stadium-naming trend when it called its stadium Wrigley Field, but the team and the stadium were then owned by chewing-gum magnate William Wrigley.) "Every time the media announces the game's start time it will be a gentle reminder of our sponsorship," 7-Eleven spokeswoman Margaret Chabris told the Associated Press
I am going to protest by not watching any White Sox games. I will not protest 7-11 beacuse I like their coffee and they're just so convenient!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
TV
Usually the new season of TV leaves me cold. I usually give about 3 shows a test run. I watch the pilot and if it grabs me I'll stay with it. Otherwise, I just don't have the time to devote to another show in my schedule. Conversely, I am so done with "ER" but I've been watching it for so long now that I have no choice but to sit through it every Thursday. Occasionally I actually enjoy it and the guest spots are usually dazzling. But overall I'm ready to lose it.
This year, ABC got me but good Monday nights.
8:00 is DEAL OR NO DEAL. This is the dumbest, simplest game show ever and Howie Mandel has the easiest job on the planet. But it's gripping as hell and a lot of fun.
9:00 is HEROES. Put 4 parts X-Men movies into 1 part LOST and that's pretty much what you've got. It's basically a superhero story, but done relatively realistically. It DOES come with a fairly high geek factor, so be aware of that. If you can get past that, you'll really enjoy this one.
10:00 is STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP. This is the first of two SNL-based series this season. It's written by the guy who did THE WEST WING, so it's got rapid-fire dialogue, high-pressure situations and intricate relationships. It's so well done I can't believe it. After the pilot, I was not only prepared to watch it again next week, I was excited to! Matthew Perry does a swell job of not being Chandler Bing and a very good job at the character he's playing (I'm terrible with character names).
The second SNL-based show is called 30 ROCK. It premieres tonight, and I'm taping it, so I'll watch it sometime this weekend, probably. It's funny. It's called 30 ROCK. A number of years ago there was an unrelated show called 3RD ROCK (FROM THE SUN) and now there's 30 ROCK.
Next, maybe there'll be a sitcom about these Middle Eastern astronauts who fly to Mercury, but get caught in the Sun's gravitational pull. They swing around and come back towards Earth. The first two astronauts die, but the survivor crashes back to Earth. The show could be all about his take on the Iraq war with the perspective of having seen the whole Earth as one entity from space. It could be called 3RD IRAQI FROM THE SUN.
Or maybe that will never happen.
Usually the new season of TV leaves me cold. I usually give about 3 shows a test run. I watch the pilot and if it grabs me I'll stay with it. Otherwise, I just don't have the time to devote to another show in my schedule. Conversely, I am so done with "ER" but I've been watching it for so long now that I have no choice but to sit through it every Thursday. Occasionally I actually enjoy it and the guest spots are usually dazzling. But overall I'm ready to lose it.
This year, ABC got me but good Monday nights.
8:00 is DEAL OR NO DEAL. This is the dumbest, simplest game show ever and Howie Mandel has the easiest job on the planet. But it's gripping as hell and a lot of fun.
9:00 is HEROES. Put 4 parts X-Men movies into 1 part LOST and that's pretty much what you've got. It's basically a superhero story, but done relatively realistically. It DOES come with a fairly high geek factor, so be aware of that. If you can get past that, you'll really enjoy this one.
10:00 is STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP. This is the first of two SNL-based series this season. It's written by the guy who did THE WEST WING, so it's got rapid-fire dialogue, high-pressure situations and intricate relationships. It's so well done I can't believe it. After the pilot, I was not only prepared to watch it again next week, I was excited to! Matthew Perry does a swell job of not being Chandler Bing and a very good job at the character he's playing (I'm terrible with character names).
The second SNL-based show is called 30 ROCK. It premieres tonight, and I'm taping it, so I'll watch it sometime this weekend, probably. It's funny. It's called 30 ROCK. A number of years ago there was an unrelated show called 3RD ROCK (FROM THE SUN) and now there's 30 ROCK.
Next, maybe there'll be a sitcom about these Middle Eastern astronauts who fly to Mercury, but get caught in the Sun's gravitational pull. They swing around and come back towards Earth. The first two astronauts die, but the survivor crashes back to Earth. The show could be all about his take on the Iraq war with the perspective of having seen the whole Earth as one entity from space. It could be called 3RD IRAQI FROM THE SUN.
Or maybe that will never happen.
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